I’ve been through a lot—life has kind of forced me to grow in weird directions. I live with multiple sclerosis, I’ve lost people I cared about deeply, and I’ve had to rebuild who I am more than once. But somehow, I’ve come out of it liking the person I’ve become. I’m sharing this because I want to be understood—and because I think being transparent about how I connect with people might help someone else feel seen too.
For me, trust isn’t a yes-or-no thing. It’s more like a series of dials—each one tuned differently depending on the person, the context, and the history we build. Here’s how I think about those dials. It’s not a test—it’s just a way of showing what matters to me.
First Set of Dials: Ethics and Emotional Safety
Before anything else, I need to feel like we’re generally aligned in how we see the world. Not identical, just… compatible. I tend to check in (quietly) on someone’s values early on—how they treat people, what they believe, how they respond to stress.
Things that turn these dials up:
- Thoughtful takes on politics, religion, or justice (even if different from mine)
- Kindness toward animals, strangers, and people who have nothing to offer back
- Respectful disagreement and emotional awareness
Things that shut it down:
- Bigotry, cruelty, or dogmatic thinking
- Dismissiveness toward people who are struggling or different
- Making everything a zero-sum debate
These are the people I might feel safe being around, but I probably won’t open up very far.
Second Set of Dials: Mutual Curiosity and Shared Energy (Friendship)
If we’re good on the first level, this next set is about whether we energize each other. Do we have mental chemistry? Can we talk about weird, deep stuff and lose track of time? Can we just be around each other without having to filter everything?
Things that really matter here:
- Shared interests or at least shared curiosity
- Being able to explore ideas together without either of us shutting down
- Emotional openness, even if it’s messy sometimes
- Feeling like we both want to show up and stay present
This is where close friendships live—the kind where I might want to work on projects together, bounce ideas around, or just talk for hours.
Third Set of Dials: Romantic Connection and Long-Term Trust
This is the really tender stuff. If someone ever gets this far, it’s because there’s mutual understanding, respect, and emotional steadiness. I’m not polyamorous by default—I prefer a one-on-one connection. But I also believe in nuance, and if the situation is fully ethical and mutual, I’m not totally closed off.
What this layer needs:
- Mutual consent and emotional availability
- The sense that we can go through hard things together and not bail
- Shared dreams, or at least a shared direction
- The ability to talk about literally anything without feeling judged
- A feeling of joy and safety in each other’s weirdness
What shuts it down:
- Emotional inconsistency or avoidance
- Withholding affection or making a loving relationship feel transactional
- Not caring about the things that light me up
I’ve made the mistake of assuming someone was trustworthy just because they seemed nice at first. I don’t do that anymore. I go slow. I notice patterns. I trust what I’ve learned.
Why I’m Saying All This
I’ve changed a lot over the years. I’ve lost parts of my life I thought were permanent. But I’ve also grown into someone who feels deeply, thinks carefully, and wants to be present for the people who matter.
If you’ve read this and it resonates, maybe we’re already somewhere on the dial. If not, that’s okay too. Either way, thanks for spending a moment here with me.
—Gretchen
